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by Hilary Rajakarunanayake

Although we Sri Lankans love close games, we also love decisive winners, so this election limbo is discomforting to the country. Also, it's unsettling that there are allegations of irregularities that are bound to take place on both sides of the coin, come December 5th. Well, we can handle it. We have a tradition of taking our election results maturely. The winners gloat a little, and the losers say, "Wait, 'till next time!" and the country moves on. This is a darned sight better than those tinpot countries where a close election means that tanks roll through the streets of the capital and thousands of peasants fight then with rocks or AK47s.

My hope is for compromise, but the greater likelihood once again is divisiveness and therefore legislative logjams.

Doctors and nurses, psychotherapists, physiotherapists and health care professionals throughout Sri Lanka are bracing for a severe outbreak of a new social disease, the National Election Withdrawal Syndrome ("NEWS") This debilitating condition strikes PA supporters, UNPers, Vimukthi-ites, the Urumites, the Eelamites, and Independents alike, creating an insatiable hunger for snippets from election platforms and election based TV talk shows and radio programs and reports of election related violence.

According to experts, NEWS rarely affects non-voters. This has led researchers to speculate that NEWS is caused by parasites that live in voting booths. But chiropractors disagree, contending that the arm motion required to record votes causes vertebral misalignments which lead to depression, anxiety and hiccups and sometimes even to nervous diarrhoea.

No NEWS vaccine has been developed to date. Nutritionists, however, insist that a high fibre diet consisting of perungkayang (asafoetida), rice bran, japala, karavila germs, and val penella leaves prevents the disease. While some physicians acknowledge that this menu helps, they argue that it does so only because it keeps people in toilets for hours at a time, reducing their exposure to election news.

The advice of STOP NEWS NOW, a coalition of health care professionals, comes too late for this November's epidemic. It's spokesperson, Dr. Chandagundu Lokaya, said yesterday that people should "limit their news intake to one hour per night during the next four week period immediately preceding the General elections".

"STOP NEWS NOW also recommends that those most prone to the disorder (people whose combined age and IQ exceed 180) should avoid all public affairs programming. "Just say no," advised Dr. Chandayata Nahiyang, adding "Since the Private Media Group is content-free, you may watch it as often as you'd like."

Most scientists agree that viewing too many election related spectacles and surfing too many political Web sites may cause a NEWS attack. To prevent it, they urge voters to reduce their exposure to election coverage. Not only will this help stave off NEWS, but it clears the mind of confusing clutter, stimulates brain activity, and unblocks obstructed mucous membranes.

Even if precautions are taken, millions of Sri Lankans will be affected by NEWS. Historically, it strikes pundits, politicians and talk show hosts first. The following are some symptoms alert viewers may notice during the second and third weeks of November. Private TV does a three-part election retrospective entitled "Betrayed Politicians Confront Ex-Spin-Maestros,"

"Jilted Candidates Confront Ex-Supporters," and "Deceived Voters Confront prospective Parliamentarians."

Politicians disappear amid rumours that doctors are surgically removing their smiles.

Sunday wonk show panellists sob uncontrollably and whimper "Who cares?" How do you know you've succumbed to the disease NEWS? UNP victims will find themselves pestering friends to say "allapu gay" ten times fast.' PA enthusiasts will suffer from the "wealthiest one per cent" variant of this disorder. If either symptom appears, consult your physician immediately.

The treatment for NEWS takes more than three years, requiring a gradual withdrawal from campaign coverage under medical supervision. During the first week you watch 60 hours of election commentary reruns. As the months progress, these programs are replaced by vital current telecasts such as infomercials and good-boy sports guy stuff. If you follow this regime strictly, you should recover just in time for Campaign 2007.

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