The debate has run for years. "Crabbed age and youth cannot live together," warned Shakespeare. Luckily when I was growing up in a house filled with two grandmothers, two uncles, several aunts, four cousins as well as two cats and one grumpy hen, I had not yet read my Shakespeare (he made a dramatic entrance many years later with Romeo and Juliet) and so, found it quite normal that all of us should be under one roof linked to each other with invisible threads.
That was long ago. Much has changed today. Both grandmas are no more and each family now lives in separate houses. Yet, some things remain the same. I still live with my parents.
Romantic ideal
I know the thought of three generations living under the same roof could strike different people in different ways. To some, it could represent a romantic ideal of family life, a throwback to the good old days, when grandparents were venerated as elders of the family. To others, it could conjure chaos, raised eyebrows, skeptical thoughts - the cons would significantly outweigh the pros("That must be so nice"), sarcastic ("Good luck with that") and incredulous ("All five of you?!"). Can it really be possible to survive inter-generational clashes of lives that move to different speeds? Of Jim Reeves and the latest, loudest rock music?
The answer is yes. Look around you to discover that some brave groups are proving that multi-generational living can do more good than harm for the individuals involved. Closer to (my) home, a shared love of cats, books and gardening can turn out to be the glue that holds three generations together. Not only for me, but for many others too, including the ex US president and his family.
Living in harmony
It is heartening to note that until this January the trend of three generations living in harmony was seen even at the White House. Marian Robinson-Michelle Obama's mother, has made the White House home during the past eight years. She was often spotted shuttling granddaughters Sasha and Malia to school and was known by the unofficial nickname of FGOTUS (First Grandmother of the United States). In a 2012 Essence magazine essay, she wrote, "One of my biggest blessings is getting to see my granddaughters grow up...my job here is the easiest of all: I just get to be Grandma."
Things may not be the same for those of us who are not living in the White House, and it may not always be easy for different eras to co-exist in tight spaces, but a recent University of Oxford study found that teenagers are happier when grandparents are involved in their upbringing. The study, which followed over 1,500 school-age kids in the U.K., reported that teens who spent more quality time with a grandparent had fewer emotional and behavioral problems than their peers.
They were also better prepared to handle adversities such as a death in the family or a school bullying incident.
The same study has been replicated in Israel, Malaysia and South Africa with similar results. According to another study by Boston College, both adult grandchildren and their grandparents showed fewer symptoms of depression if they maintained an "emotionally close relationship."
Reasons
Of course, it might not be right for everyone - space, family history, finance, all sorts of reasons might jeopardize things. But there are just as many reasons why it might be a great way to live.
Here is how it works. Three plus two plus my aunt and uncle who often drop in for overnight stays make it seven of us under one roof. My family of three sleep in my old bedroom with a photo of Ben Jonson frowning on us from his high perch on the wardrobe (a relic from my lecturing days) while stickers of Dora and Pooh Bear adorn the other walls. On some nights, my daughter sleeps between her grandparents in their room because they allow her to read in bed breaking my bedtime rules. We have an encyclopedia on call-my father-for any middle of the night homework assignments. A brilliant "chef"-my mother, who modestly insists her cooking is useless. My morning routine, which could have been a harried and solitary affair, is one smooth dance with my mother searching for misplaced hair bands, my father frying eggs and me trying to wake up a seven-year-old who refuses to believe it is already 5.30 in the morning. A uniform needs alterations? A white dress with a blue ribbon for the concert? No problem. My aunt is ever willing to help out with her expert skills with needle and thread. Can life get any better?
Sure, there are times when my mother would ignore my parenting rules (deep down I know she is probably right to do so), and if I get late to come home, my phone will buzz constantly with my father's concerned texts and ever so often my aunt decides to buy Popsicles for the whole family regardless of whose nose is running and whose is not. But these can hardly be called hitches, and hardly a day passes with me feeling overwhelmed by gratitude for being able to have my own family as well as my parents living with me enlivened every now and then with visits from my brother and his family, my aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews.
Safety net
You see, an extended family does not demand as much as people think it does. And, even if extended family members judge or criticise it is all done out of love. More often than not, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins provide a safety net.
In desperate times,and in happy times we know we could turn to any of them, and they would give us succor. The beauty of such an extended family therefore, is simple.
It doesn't really matter whether or not its members "get on", because we will always be close, for we are people cut from the same cloth, who owe each other nothing, but offer each other what we can, whenever we need it, and unconditionally.
Don't forget, happiness is homemade.
The Good, the Bad, the Tolerable things you find in an extended family
1. Convoy: Wherever you go - a party, a trip - it is a convoy going along with you. You and your live-in buddies (aka family) basically form an inseparable team outside the house more than INSIDE the house
2. Privacy is bombarded (literally) constantly. "Eavesdropping" is a common practice. Talking on the phone? Your uncle, aunt, sibling, cousin, everyone knows what you're talking about. Obviously. Because no matter where they are sitting and what they are doing, their ears are with you, for you, forever.
3. Even your thoughts are not yours. If you're thinking, your uncles/aunties/cousins/siblings - they will all be guessing what you are really thinking.
4. Free unwanted opinions when you get dressed. You have ten different opinions about how you are looking when you get dressed to go out.
5. You need to cry like a baby, you need to do that OUTSIDE the house premises. You can rely on a hundred shoulders in your own house when you're hurt, which also means the person making you cry is cursed like there's no tomorrow.
Plus you don't want 20 other people crying because of you. So, you need to find a better place to truly express your feelings!
6. You don't need a friend who's just a call away, you have your brothers and sisters and cousins around to take care of that. Whether it is boredom at 2 am in the night or you need to take out your frustration somewhere, you have someone around indefinitely to give you company.
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