At no other time in my life had I kept recalling Chaucer's Canterbury Tales than in the months I lived in an apartment in New York. Even though I have always been an introvert my newfound alone time made me remember with awe how Chaucer’s garrulous pilgrims, virtual strangers when they first meet, chatted and revealed volumes about themselves on their journey to Canterbury. Even as I longed for the company of my family, my friends who made me laugh until my ribs ached, who even thought I was funny, but were not there with me, I wondered how people could reach out to perfect strangers and make friends so easily. I wondered how the Knight and the Wife of Bath did it. I wish I knew their secret.
Eight years later, I still haven't mastered the perfect art of making friends. But thanks to several research articles published in popular online websites I know that health and happiness cannot be found by turning to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements. It appears the most powerful weapons that could help us fight illness and depression, slow aging and prolong life: are our friends.
Unfortunately, researchers are only now starting to pay attention to the importance of friendship and socializing in our overall well-being. A 10-year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends. Last year, Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties could promote brain health as we age.
“In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t terribly well appreciated,” says Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. “There are just scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship. It baffles me. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.”
It is said that last year, researchers studied 34 students at the University of Virginia, taking them to the base of a steep hill and fitting them with a weighted backpack. They were then asked to estimate the steepness of the hill. Some participants stood next to friends during the exercise, while others were alone.
The students who stood with friends gave lower estimates of the steepness of the hill. And the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared.
“People with stronger friendship networks feel like there is someone they can turn to,” says Karen A. Roberto, Director of the center for gerontology at Virginia Tech. “Friendship is an undervalued resource. The consistent message of these studies is that friends make your life better.”
Knowing this is easy, but actually stepping out of the safety of our home to make friends is not. The biggest question most of us ask ourselves when we are among strangers, is, how do we break the ice? Especially when we know since we never get a second chance to make a first impression, what is said in those first few moments is as significant as it often is tongue-tying. If you are one who stumbles — and falls — during those initial moments when you are meeting someone new, the best thing to do, according to an article in the Reader's Digest is to make a comment or statement, often followed by a question. This technique works especially well when you are with a group of people sharing a similar experience, such as waiting at the doctor’s office, attending a book launch, or standing in line at the supermarket. You can use the weather, your situation, or a request you may have, such as asking for directions or assistance (“Hasn't it been awfully hot these days?” or “can you tell me where the post office is?”) You can also say something more personal (“I was just admiring your earrings. Did you buy them here?”) By making statements about surroundings or events, you establish a bond that readily and easily promotes dialogue.
But, could it be that you don't feel like talking about the weather or making personal comments? Luckily there is another alternative. You can always fall back on a cliché to make a new friend. Cliche's can be used frequently because they are effective and because they usually work well. You can use them just about any time, at any place from the bus halt to parties to business functions. It is easy to make a joke of using a cliché, such as “I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but do I know you from somewhere?” The important thing to remember though, is to be honest and sincere. The saying goes that what you say isn’t as important as how you say it.
In other words, don't be afraid to be positive and encouraging. If someone is good at something then tell them so. If someone looks nice, or is well dressed, then say you think so. If you think someone is funny, or an interesting person, then let them know. Again, moderation is essential. The occasional genuine compliment is way better than a constant stream of falls ones.
Once the conversation gets going, you can interrelate more by gradually disclosing a little about yourself. This is best done in small doses, by asking and talking, asking, and talking. Avoid having one person monopolize the conversation, which can be as embarrassing as it is uncomfortable. And when things wrap up, use a polite good-bye. If things had gone well, find a way to get back in touch.
When we are making friends, experts say we should keep in mind that our friends don't have to share the same interests, because being different helps us learn new things from each other, and allows us to feel free to be ourselves. We should love our friends for what makes them unique, and never feel we have to be anything we are not, when we are with them.
As time goes by, it becomes inevitable that some friends grow together, others grow apart. As we go through life, our personalities, interests and circumstances can change too. This can mean we are not so suited to each other as we once were. This doesn't mean that our friendship wasn't a special part of our life, but it's OK to move on to new friendships and meet new people throughout our lives.
As Barbra Streisand once sang “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
Hope you are one of the lucky ones.
How to make (and keep) New Friends
Be yourself
When you pursue hobbies and activities you enjoy, you have a good chance of meeting people with similar interests. So check out that local lecture on modern literature and sign up for dress-making lessons. Each event is a chance to make a whole new room full of like-minded buddies.Get up close and personal.
When you’re just starting to get to know someone, foster intimacy by talking about something deeper than the weather. Once you two have been talking for a while, try what researchers call the “Fast Friends” technique—basically each party gradually discloses something meaningful about him or herself. For example, each person could answer the question: “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?”
Be persistent.
While not everyone has the courage to actually do it, most of us know how to pursue a crush. Send flowers to their office. Invite them to a concert featuring a band you know they love. Ask them to check “yes” or “no” under the question “will you go out with me?” (Oh wait, are we not in third grade anymore?). Apply similar (but less romantic) tactics when pursuing a potential friend. For example, send the person an email asking them to lunch or a coffee date next week, and follow up afterward to say you had a good time.
Set a goal.
It might sound superficial, but the next time you go to a social function, tell yourself you want to leave with three new friends (or maybe even just one). That way, you’ll be more open to meeting people and starting in-depth conversations instead of just smiling at the person ahead of you in line for the bathroom.
Say cheese.
Seriously. We’re including smiling on this list because it’s a more powerful tactic for making connections than you might believe. For one thing, smiling takes us out of our own head and makes us think more about the image we are projecting. Plus, people who smile (as opposed to folks with neutral faces) are perceived as more attractive, kinder, and happier, and therefore more approachable.
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