The Cola Hand..! | Daily News

The Cola Hand..!

A few months ago the rest of the world looked with startled surprise as India chastised, chastened and castigated Coke and Pepsi and blamed a lot of health problems on their youngsters imbibing the foreign sodas.

“I don’t understand why anybody should be surprised,” chuckled a senior Indian bureaucrat as he sat with arms crossed across massive belly in his impressive office somewhere in New Delhi, “For decades we have learnt the art of blaming a foreign hand for all our problems, and have becomes experts at doing so!”

The bureaucrat called his bespectacled junior to his office, told him to bring a manual and beckoned him to sit down, “Tell this journalist what we are supposed to do when a bomb blast occurs in Mumbai?”

“Blame Pakistan!” screamed his junior officer without opening his manual.

“And if a rape takes place in Delhi?”

“Blame the West for provocative movies!” shouted the junior.

“And if it takes place in Mumbai?”

“In Mumbai,” said his junior as he poured into his manual, found the page and then read out “standard procedure is to immediately blame foreign organizers of beauty contest and fashion pageants for corrupting our youth!”

“In Chennai?” I asked.

“Blame Cartoon Network!” screamed the junior without opening his book.

The senior bureaucrat chuckled mirthlessly and grinned at his junior who grinned shyly back at him, “it is because of this carefully prepared manual I can sit here and not have to run around searching for criminals and rapists!”

“But why this sudden attack on Coke and Pepsi?” I asked.

“Standard procedure!” whispered the junior and his boss beaked at him.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Let me put it this way,” said his senior, “suppose there is a bomb blast in India and we blame America, would you believe us?” I shook my head, “so we have to blame somebody who we have already built up in your kind as evil, do you get the point?”

“You mean Coke and Pepsi are being built as culprits for future use?”

“You have all the makings of a good bureaucrat,” said the senior bureaucrat as his junior looked sulkily at me but grinned when his boss turned to hm.

“And what?” I asked, “Will you blame them for later?”

“Everything!” screamed the junior and his boss reached across and patted him appreciatively.

“Read out the list!” said his boss.

“It’s exhaustive!” said the junior, “but it includes malnutrition, hepatitis, tuberculosis, typhoid, AIDS..”

“AIDS?” I asked incredulously.

“Why not?” chuckled the senior bureaucrat, “the UN has called India the AIDS capital of the world and we have to start blaming somebody for it!”

“Standard procedure..!” said his junior as his boss reached out to pat him again and he grinned happily.

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